If you want to become as strong, flexible, beautiful, and curvaceous as my partner Professor Nimrod was, you will need a balanced diet of both fearful and entertained flesh. Never use more than four squirts of florotoxin. This will bring instant death to even the largest prey, and consuming the flesh of a dead human will plunge you into a profound depression.
Years ago, clowns could feed at circuses with impunity. Modern circuses are large commercial affairs, with audiences too big and diverse to sit idly by while you eat some of them. After the show, you can often catch a single family off-guard as their aging automobile refuses to carry them away with the rest of the herd.
However, if you have fed in a circus parking area recently, it will be in your best interest not to do this again for some time. So how do you keep yourself alive while honoring our pact with the dread Order of Ringmasters? Use your wings. Once you have selected your next meal at the circus, get to the highest position you can, jump off, and follow them home on the breeze.
You are a clown. Act like one. I feel like this should be obvious by now, especially to those of you who are familiar with my history. They say we should live in the woods to avoid temptation and disguise our hives as things that occur in nature, like mushrooms or anthills.
What happened to the happy, peaceful clown who expended all of her protein building a beautiful mushroom-shaped hive? This is what happened to her. She came home one day and found some humans who had been hunting in the woods.
They had beat on it and kicked it until the love of her life, Professor Nimrod, came out, and when they saw Professor Nimrod, they shot holes in her beautiful, strong wings. They hacked off her vibrant shoe bulbs with their hatchet and tore out her cephal ic tentacles. I got tired of being that joke.
Now, I build my hive in the dark closet no one ever goes into, the dusty space under the bed, or the restroom with the flickering light.
I eat anyone I want to eat, Ringmasters be damned. Clowns: The Unlikely Coulrophobia Remix is hot off the presses! So get your hot, pressed clowns today! Or if you prefer your clowns cold-pressed, never fear. A clown is nothing if not adaptable. Jane Berry, J. George, Line Henriksen, Virginia M.
Mohlere, Dayle A. Available in ebook and paperback. Don't miss out! Sign up here to be notified of new issues, interviews, and more.
Email Address. Home Current Issue Issue Home Current Issue -Issue Understand the Humorous Nature of Tragedy People have always found pleasure in the misfortune of others. A clown presents the new covid regulations. Everyone dies laughing. After every argument, the silent treatment was awful, but the make-up sex was incredible. My girlfriend likes it when I dress up as scary clown when we have sex I think she has a Stephen Kink.
Dude, that scary clown followed us to Wales. Welsh It. Did you hear they invented an automatic pen and paper for clowns? The joke writes itself. The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food! Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. Long, and works better when spoken A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience.
What do you call a clown that saves money by being homeless? Penny wise. What's the worst part about playing tag with a clown? When the clown is it. I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. A baby clown fell down and broke a bone. The man laughs. My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy. I don't like that clown from IT. He's always fooling around and cracking jokes instead of fixing our computers.
I read that the three most popular Halloween costumes this year are clown, pumpkin, and dinosaur. I'm capitalizing on this trend by selling costumes of Trump.
What do you call a really scary, racist clown? A big It. If you dressed up like a rodeo clown, broke into the capitol, and tried to destroy the democracy of the United States You might be a redneck. How can you tell if a clown has just farted?
They smell funny! IT's fucking Ra. You all have heard about Joker, the Clown Prince of Crime. But have you heard about his father who was Joking. My friend swears he loves horror movies involving clowns I'm not certain, but I think he means It.
What do a clown and someone who snores have in common? Honk Shoe Wanna hear a clean joke? I blew bubbles in the bathtub. Wanna hear the dirty version? Bubbles was a clown.
He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs. Daddy, can we go see the clowns again? For the last time, Billy, we are not visiting congress again. I was trying to figure out what to do with the dying clown on the floor. Then, IT hit me. Death of a clown Two cannibals came to his funeral. One tried to chew off a piece, and he said that it tasted funny. A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids.
It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den. That night, the man calls to see how things are going. The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den.
No offense but it's really creepy. I don't have a den! My friend asked me, "What kind of adult diapers do they sell for Pennywise the Clown? Last night on the episode of "Criminal Minds" my wife was watching, the cops arrested a clown. As a Dad of long standing, I'm happy to have seized the opportunity to yell "Don't try anything funny! Update on an Ironic Classic A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel.
He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up. I asked a hitman for advice on how to kill a clown. He told me Go for the juggler. What does a clown living in a sewer and a person working in technical support have in common? They both are from IT. How do you make a Clown cry You throw a brick at it.
How do clowns measure their money? As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown. Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on? Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole? A clown and a little kid were walking hand in hand down a dark deserted forest path and the little kid says "Gosh, it's spooky in here!
I gotta walk back all alone! The best insult ever is, "who is this clown? What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money? For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
A clown and another guy are walking through the forest at night. The guy says to the clown "Man, this forest is really creepy at night".
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